When I got home
I don’t know, for some reason I felt anxious and guilty for being such an ass hole. I wish I could just be the way I was and be the person she deserves. I got home and got in the shower and felt like maybe I could wash away my troubles but after a hot( and I mean like boiling hot) bath, a shower, an ice cold bath( thought maybe temperature was the problem) , and practically rubbing my skin raw because of how disgusted I was in myself for not being who she needs. My attempts of ridding myself of the self loathing just seemed useless. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be the one that makes here smile and laugh, I want to be the person she fell in love with. I don’t want to change; I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to be happy because of the things I say and do I don’t want her to be angry with me or herself. I want her to be able to tell by my actions and words that I need her to be with me if I ever want to be happy, if I ever want to have the initiative I get from here presence. I love her so much, I truly have never felt this way in my life. I guess I need to act like it. I need to show her that she is all I have, and that she all I could need. I love you so much Madison Berti. I look forward to every second of our elderly years together. I look forward to the pictures, the memories, to seeing our children group up in our beautiful Portland home. I look forward to being a dad and you being my P.I.C, to having our kids think we’re the coolest mother fuckers to have every walked the earth. I look forward to fucking with our grand kids by showing the movie 2012 and telling them, “You see that? That’s right we lived through it.”
My point is you’re all I could ever ask for out of my time in this planet, and the future is in our hands. I can’t wait for all of the good times we WILL have.
Signed,
Nickolas Ryan Nagel.
P.s. my iPod thinks I spelt my first and last name wrong.
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